Beyond Blue

It has taken me a while to feel comfortable blogging about this, so this is a "grab your coffee and get comfy" type of blog.

Midlife has been a crazy time for me.  You get busy with life and maybe it's just me, but I kind of forgot I WAS in midlife.  I think in my little world I was still in my early 40's.  Has that ever happened to anyone else?


So along came perimenopause... seriously?  I'm THAT age?  When did that happen?



But what completely took me by surprise was being diagnosed with depression.

I am a very optimistic person.  I try to look for the good at all times, but of course I have those days like everyone where it is a bit harder.  About 2-3 years ago it became impossible.  


I was having difficulty finding joy in things I usually did.  I am blessed with a wonderful husband, children, stepchildren, sons and daughters-in-law,  and grandchildren, (and at that time one awesome basset) but the joy just always seemed to be out of reach.  

I suddenly found myself unable to concentrate  - and I don't mean the walk into the room and forget why you are there kind, I mean totally unable to concentrate.   My work days seemed 12 hours long and every process took such incredible effort to complete correctly.  There's no way to describe it other than feeling you are in a complete fog.  

Then there was the difficulty sleeping, which didn't help the difficulty concentrating.  It felt like a vicious circle.  I just wasn't myself and I didn't like the way I felt.  I felt completely emotionally and physically drained.

At first I attributed my symptoms to my Mom passing away.  I thought it was just how my grief was taking shape.  As time passed and things didn't improve  - in fact worsened - I assumed it was perimenopause or maybe a mixture of the two.  Michael saw me having extreme highs and extreme lows (definitely more lows).  It finally got to a point where we both knew I needed to see my doctor.  I started  an antidepressant and made an appointment with a therapist.

The therapist was wonderful.  She confirmed my diagnosis of depression and told me it was likely related to my hormone changes that were taking place.  She reassured me that depression is not a choice, it is a chemical imbalance and something I had absolutely no control over.  This was so reassuring to hear.  I loved being the happy person I used to be and this unhappy, sad feeling was not something I would have chosen for anyone.  

I saw the therapist for about a year.  In that time we decided I needed a change in antidepressants, as there was improvement, but she just was not seeing the results she thought I should be having.  My doctor was on maternity leave so  I was referred to a psychiatrist's office for a medication change and management.  With her help, a new medication, and over time having that dose adjusted to what I needed, I seemed to be returning to my old self.

And life was joyful again (sigh).

I still have down times.  Christmas is one of the hardest.  I miss my parents all the time, but at that time of year I miss them even more.  But that is normal.  I should have some down times once in a while - that is called living and experiencing life.  

I still see the psychiatrist for medication maintenance.  And I will make an appointment with the therapist if I feel it is needed.  I never want to feel like I did a few years ago. 

Hormones.   

They drive us crazy as teenagers and just when I thought I was going to ease into midlife with grace.... 

NOT!

I wish my mom was around to talk to about all the things I have experienced in perimenopause.  I remember her worrying a lot (she worried all the time, but it greatly increased when she was my age), but we never talked about what this whole process was like for her.

When I think back to where I was a few years ago, I am so happy to be where I am now.  



Depression is no different from any other medical disorder - it needs to be treated to live a happy, healthy life.  

Life truly is good again.



And I thank God.