My Dad

My Dad passed away 2 years ago today.  Sometimes it doesn't seem possible it has already been 2 years, and other times it seems like an eternity. 

Time has eased the grief, but not the love or the memories.  Time makes it easier to smile and think of the awesome times with Dad, but there are still those times when I just plain miss him.  I miss hearing him tell a joke, miss seeing the way his whole upper body would shake when he was laughing - and sometimes there are still some tears. 

So in memory of my Dad I wanted to make today's blog about him.  I spoke at his funeral and thought I would share what I said that day:

"There's a hymn I'm sure you are all familiar with - It Is Well With My Soul by Horatio Spafford.  I've sung it many times in church.  I love the music, especially the harmonizing of the parts, but to be honest with you I've struggled with the words at times.

The song talks about the trials and tribulations we experience in life and the peace that can be found in those difficult times through faith in God.  That part I get, but to say it is well with my soul when it comes to death and losing a loved one is a hard concept for me to embrace. 

Maybe sharing my thoughts about Dad will help.

The other day Pastor Todd asked us if Dad has always had such a great sense of humor.  We said he did, but we also noticed it more as he, and we, got older.  Maybe he had his hands full when we were younger - we probably provided him with many moments where it was difficult to find humor.

I think Dad did mellow over the years, as we all do.  I only remember getting one scolding from Dad.  Either my brothers and sister wore him down for me or else I was a perfect child.  But since we are in the house of the Lord and there was only one Perfect Child that I'm aware of, we'll go with the wearing him down theory. 

There are many things I could say about Dad, but I want to tell you about the Dad I came to know in the last year and a half. 

The morning Mom passed away Dad looked at me and said, "She didn't wait for me."  As I'm sure most of you are aware, Dad wanted to go with Mom.

Dad tried his best to go on.  Some days his sense of humor really showed through, but some days it was harder.  He enjoyed talking about Mom and our grandparents.  Talking with him about these things reminded you of the things that were important to him - family and friends.  He told me things I didn't know, like how my Grandpa Swenson would drive up from Forest City each week just to visit and spend time with us and he would point to the corner of the room where Grandpa used to sit.

He told me about a plaid dress he remembered Mom wearing and had me searching the house on more than one occasion to try to find it.  I never did, I'm sure Mom had considered it a rag decades ago and didn't realize the memories it had for Dad, but Dad was always hopeful it would show up.

Before long he started to lose his independence and it became necessary for him to go to the nursing home.  He struggled with the transition at first, but soon was making friends, telling jokes, and endearing himself to the staff.  Everyone who worked there would tell us how much Dad talked about Mom and how much he loved her and missed her.

Molly, one of the nurses, told us Dad would sit up at night in his chair, unable to sleep, with a picture of Mom hugged tight to his chest.  While it was hard to see Dad missing Mom so much, how lucky were we to have parents still so much in love after 60 years of marriage?  I was so proud of Dad.  He wore his heart on his sleeve and was not afraid or embarrassed to show how vulnerable he was.

The last few weeks Dad really struggled.  He was losing the ability to do many things for himself and found that his quality of life just wasn't what he wanted it to be.  He had tried to continue on for his family, but he was getting tired and his heart just wasn't in it anymore.

I was fortunate to be able to spend time with Dad last Saturday.  On my drive up from Ames Jim called and said Dad wasn't having a very good day.  When I got there it was clear Dad was struggling more than usual.

After a bit Jim and his family left and it was just Dad and I.  While his shortness of breath made it hard for him to talk, as always he asked about my family and how everyone was doing.  He would sleep for a bit, then open his eyes and want to talk some more.

While I have a lifetime of memories of Dad, last Saturday will probably always be my fondest memory.  I sat with Dad, held his hand, told him what a wonderful father he was, and how much I loved him.  We prayed together and we cried together.  Dad told me it had just been too hard without Mom and that he hoped he would see her soon.

When I went to leave I gave him a hug and a kiss and told him I loved him, as I always did.  Dad held onto my hand, pulled me close, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and said, "I love you too." Part of me sensed this was a final goodbye, but I really wanted to believe I would see him next week and told him so.

The next morning Jim called - Dad wasn't doing well at all.  I got in the car and headed to Armstrong, but had only made it a short way when Jim called again - Dad had passed away.

I pulled my car over to the side of the road and just sat and cried.  The first thing I said was, "He didn't wait for me."   I immediately realized those were the same words Dad spoke the morning Mom passed away.
 

As I sat there I could just imagine what it must have been like for Dad when he passed from this life into Heaven.  I could picture his parents, his brother, and all those whom he loved and lost waiting for him.  But most importantly, I could see Mom at the very front, arms wide open with a huge smile on her face, saying "Welcome home."  Mom may not have been able to wait for Dad that morning in December 2008, but she had definitely been waiting ever since.

Imagining that reunion makes it possible for me to say......

 It is well with my soul."

 

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I miss my Dad calling and saying, "Yeah, I was just wondering how you were doing." 


I miss my Dad saying, "Did you hear the one about....?"


I miss my Dad's laugh.


I miss my Dad teasing me because he knew how gullible I am.


I miss my Dad's emails.


I miss my Dad's voice.


I miss my Dad's hugs.


I miss hearing "I love you" from him.


I just plain love you and miss you, Dad.